Fear is Just Another Feeling in Our Repertoire

Hey World,

There have been so many moments in the past few years where I sit down, think about what I'm doing with my life, and what I want to do with my life, and the choices I've made to make my way from A --> B and think: I AM DEVIATING FROM THE PATH. I AM CRAZY. WHAT AM I DOING? 

That tiny voice that comes out in the darkest of nights as I lay my head on my pillow, or as I walk nonchalantly down the street, or as I board an aircraft that's heading 3,000+ miles away, is my friend Fear. 

Fear, as you all well know, is a scary friend to have. It's the thunderclap that jostles you to alertness right before you make a big jump. It's the person you don't like having around, but can't bring yourself to exclude. It's the blanket that used to be warm and fuzzy, but now for some reason can't do the trick. It's the reason you check behind your shower curtain at night (or is that just me?). 

It's been a big week here in Iringa. I found out exactly what I'll be doing for my job for the next 12 months, and while it's exhilarating to be doing exactly what I want to be doing...it's also made me a nervous wreck. You know what I'm most afraid of (other than butterflies)?! Failure. And my friend Fear has a funny way of always wiggling that other F-word into my mind.

But fear is just another feeling in our repertoire. 

"Sometimes when self doubt takes over, we have to remember that it's not only about us (though it also very much is about us, and that's okay). It's about showing others that dreams are valid, that possibilities are endless, that fear is just another feeling in our repertoire. It's about being true to oneself and the dream, and being the catalyst for others - near and far - to do the same: to shed the fear, to believe in possibility, to try and succeed, to bring dreams to life." 

I wrote that on a friend's blog this past week, and it seemed as much a message to myself in this particular moment as it was a message for her. In addressing her doubts, I also happened to answer my own (to which I couldn't be more grateful). 

My life, to put it bluntly, is about me. It's about my hopes, my dreams, my passions, my mistakes, my learning curves, my interests, my fears, my opportunities for chance and change. It's about rising to the occasion...and the challenges. It's about overcoming barriers and boundaries. It's about becoming the best me I can be. 

Yet at the same time, it's very much not about me. My work is to serve others -- and I don't want to muck that up. I give as much as I can afford to, and probably and then some. I care deeply about close loved ones and strangers alike. And my road to find contentment and stay happy is a path that I don't wish to travel down alone. So while I want to be the best ever-changing version of me, I also want to affect positive change to others too. 

It made me realize that THIS is why I am deviating from the path. THIS is why I am on A Path Unpaved. THIS is why I blog in the hopes that others may have the courage to do the same. 

And I was right: what is fear but another feeling? One that could easily be replaced with elation, serenity, confidence, patience or conviction? 

It's not to say that we should never be afraid, but we cannot let fear get in the way. There are far too many other feelings that deserve our time and attention. 

So let us forge onwards without being beholden to a shoddy old friend.

xoxo,

M

PS: Have you read the book Start: Punch Fear In the Face? It's near the top of my reading list, but I'd love to hear what you thought of it before I buy it! 

Dear World #1

Hey World,

A few months ago I posted this photo on my Instagram: 

and ever since then, I've realized just how important Sundays are for doing just that. It's the one day each week that gives us time to compose oneself, reflect about oneself, and tying the loose strings together in preparation for another week on this planet. 

Two of my favorite blogs have been known to host a series of thank you/reflection posts once a week [he Bliss List on Rock Your Bliss, and Dear Life on So Many Places* (summer 2013)], and I thought, wouldn't it be wonderful if I also did the same? 

So, I'm starting Dear World, which I hope to post most Sundays each month. I'm also going to be open for submissions -- I would love it if you wanted to add a letter! You can just email your letter (and pictures if you'd like!) to tcmtgc@gmail.com and I will respond with the date in which you'll be featured. Or, if you'd like to post a Dear World on your own blog, send me the link so I can share it! 

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Marisa R.

Iringa, Tanzania

August 3rd, 2014

12:05pm

Dear World,

Thank you for the gentle breeze that follows me around this town. It reminds me that life remains fluid, ever-moving, and equally graceful and demanding. 

Thank you for Gertruda, the little girl who kept me company yesterday night in the home gym after a rough day. Sometimes a little bit of silent companionship is all you need. 

Thank you for ABBA. When frustration sets in and you're running late to an important meeting, and the only 3 songs you can listen to are Dancing Queen, Take A Chance on Me, and Mama Mia for the next hour down a bumpy dirt road, you can't help but smile and sing along. 

Thank you for manageable pain. For sore limbs and sore stomachs, for headaches and nausea for reminding me that like all things, this too shall pass. 

Thank you for people who share their struggles in the hopes that others can benefit from their reflection. Thank you for being able to be there for friends you've never met. Thank you for words that mean more than words. 

Finally, thank you for the chance to dive into the unknown head-first without hitting the bottom. I could not be more grateful that, when it matters most, you protect me. 

xoxo,

M

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Looking forward to seeing some of your submissions in the next coming weeks! :)

*featuring my first thank you list in July 2013! 

I'll Love You Just The Same

Hey World,

Yesterday I was able to call two really special people in my life from Tanzania after 14 months of radio silence; one of my favorite students Boniphace, and my Mama K.

Boniphace and I

As soon as we heard one another's voices, we were both giddy. Boniphace couldn't stop jumping up and down on the other end of the line, and kept saying "I knew it was you!". Mama K kept laughing. And I walked down the dusty lane with the biggest, dopiest smile on my face. It was the happiest I've been since arriving (which as you know, is hard to beat) -- it just felt so good to have reconnected with two people who meant so much to me.

When I came home, it was my intention to write a blog post about the importance of being connected and staying connected to others, using my phone calls with Mama K and Boniphace to springboard into a larger conversation.

However, as I started writing, I remembered an old post I had filed away a couple of months ago (I do this once in awhile when I write something but it's not quite yet time to share it) about connectivity, love and relationships.

 I think this is possibly more fitting.

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Once in awhile, you have to get personal. Typically, I enjoy writing blog posts, or the occasional short letter in greeting cards (I love sending greeting cards!!!) but sometimes you need more than just a quarter sheet of paper or a one-track post to express some of the feelings that you've kept inside for awhile. I've talked about being unhappy on here, and I've talked about overcoming my own barriers.

But I've yet to talk about love, so I'm going to take a moment and do just that.

-----

Hi,

I know this is a bit after the fact and I probably should have told you sooner....but I figure now may be as good a time as any to tell you that I love you. 

I want to tell you that whenever I think about you, my heart sings; that you remind me about all that is right in the world; and that at least once, you brought a smile so big to my lips that my face hurt or a laugh so gargantuan it made it hard to breathe. 

I want to let you know that from the moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew I would never forget you. I still haven't. From the instant we made contact, I knew the bond would be unforgettable. 

I'm sorry I never told you earlier that I loved you...it's just that, well, I don't know where you are now. Or how to find you. Or maybe even your name. Or maybe I know all of those things. 

But I can't say for certain...
Because the truth is: I do not just love you (even though I do love you).

 I love you, and hundreds, if not thousands, of other yous: people who came into my life and made me happy, who made my day better, or who put my mind into a yearlong tailspin. I love the yous who stayed, the yous who left, and the yous who I know won't stick around forever. 

Reasons Why I May Love You:

...because we saw one other as I zoomed by on the back of a motorcycle and instead of glaring at me, you waved back.

 ...because you remembered me from the day before.

...because you are one of my best friends.

...because you looked like the kind of person who is determined to become somebody, and I admire that in you.

...because the gift you gave me was so thoughtful, it made me cry.

                                                                               photocredit

...because you let me on the bus even though I didn't have enough change. 

...because I know you will always be there.

...because the memories we made can never be forgotten.

...because you looked to see if I was okay after I tripped on the sidewalk, and it meant a lot. 

...because I think you own your truth.


...because we will always be able to pick up exactly where we left off. 

...because you love me, unconditionally. 

...because you help me be a better me. 

---

Despite all of these reasons, you might have moved on or you might have forgotten about me already. Or maybe, just maybe, you think about me all of the time too. I guess I may never know. It doesn't really matter...I'll love you just the same. 

I'll love you because you shared a moment (or a million moments) of your life with me, and for that, I will be forever grateful. 

xoxo,

M

This Path Leads Home

Hey world,

The funny thing about the last few days in Tanzania is that I've been totally calm, cool and collected. There was no giant rush of exhilaration or excitement; no fear or stroke of nerves.

It was just, well, familiar.  

My plane landed, and it felt as though there was nowhere else in the world I should be. I spent the night in Dar es Salaam with friends, and it felt like it was totally normal I was at a sidewalk cafe eating sizzling vegetables. The next morning, I sat in amicable silence with my driver for 8 hours as we drove to my new house in Iringa. A few hours later, I attended a welcome party/get-together my team organizes each Friday, and as I stood in a room with people I hardly know, it didn't seem weird.

It just felt right.

 Morogoro Region, Tanzania

Like my path shouldn't have led anywhere else but where I stand right now. 

Gangi Longa, Iringa, Tanzania

Like all roads somehow led to my house in Iringa.

Gangi Longa, Iringa, TZ

Like the roads led me back home. 

-----------------------------------------

There was a Thought Catalog post that went up today called "The Hardest Part About Traveling No One Talks About" (you can read it HERE) that says that once you travel, or live abroad for a period of time, and return home, you realize that a part of you has changed; an internal shift has taken place where people can't understand "The way your dreams have changed, the way you perceive people differently, the habits you're happy you lost, the new things that are important to you". 

And it's this shift that can't quite be put into words, that can't quite be self-managed or tamed, that causes tension and turmoil within yourself -- and causes that intense desire to leave once more to root in your heart. 

The author Kellie Donnelly finishes the article by saying "They call it the travel bug, but really it's the effort to return to a place where you are surrounded by people who speak the same language as you. Not English or Spanish or Mandarin or Portuguese, but that language where others know what it's like to leave, change, grow, experience, learn, then go home again and feel more lost in your hometown then you did in the most foreign place you visited. This is the hardest part about traveling, and it's the very reason why we all run away again". 

I would challenge her phrase "run away again", as it makes it seem as though we are fleeing the uncomfortable rather than seeking to return to the familiar. Perhaps its as much one as the other, but I'd like to think that I returned to the familiar. 

 Despite that, this article largely sums my feelings between Tanzania, living in NYC, my desperation to return to East Africa, and that comfort and familiarity I felt as soon as I touched African soil. It's worth a read. 

As for me, I started work today and I'm still getting settled into my new home. Soon, I'll introduce you to all of that. But for now, go enjoy your week, and I'll enjoy mine!

xoxo,

M

Today Is My Day; Walk With Me

Hey World,

TODAY IS MY DAY.

By the time you read this, I've already gotten on the plane (at 6am -- SO EARLY) and started the journey. Soon, or maybe as your eyes move across the screen, I'll be flying over the Atlantic Ocean, taking a 3 hour pit-stop in Dubai, UAE and then heading down to Tanzania. 

I will arrive in Dar es Salaam in the afternoon of the 24th,  and 24 hours later I'll hopefully be pulling into my new driveway by 4pm (TZ time) on the 25th! That is, if the 6AM taxi pickup to drive me 10 hours goes according to plan. *fingers crossed*

(assuming I'm going directly, which I'm not)

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So that's me. That's where I am (literally) and where I'm going (even more literally). 

Now it's time for you: I just want to say that no matter what your age is and whatever your dreams are, they. are. possible. 

There is no time like right now to sit down, write out what you want to do with your life, and come up with a plan to make it happen. Step number one? GO MAKE IT HAPPEN. 

If you have to, make a list of all of the reasons you can't (ie: excuses), and then go outside, and light that list on fire. Stomp on the ashes and let the wind blow them away. 

Or rip it up into a million pieces until you can no longer put it back together. 

Or drive to a large body of water, wrap it around a rock with some twine, and throw it as far as you can. 

And then get back in your car, or walk back into the house, or sit back down in your chair, and begin the implementation of your dream. Because if you don't do it now, when will you? 

When you have more than enough money? 

When you have the time? 

When you have less responsibilities? 

When the Universe sends you a crystal clear sign? 

That time may never come. Don't waste your passion. 

Join me. Walk with me. Let's follow our dreams together. 

The path starts wherever your feet begin moving. 

xoxo,

M

About To Leave A Place

Hey World,

I leave for Tanzania in two days. I am no longer certain if I am ready or not. I'm packed, but my stuff is not yet in bags. I am prepared, but I'm not sure if I can will my legs to move me onto the airplane just yet. There are things on my to-do list that I can't seem to get myself to accomplish, because once it's done....well, then I will have nothing left to do but leave.

Is that what ready is? A really short to-do list and an insatiable appetite for puffed cheese snacks? If so, then I couldn't be more ready.

---

Part of that whole "being ready" thing is saying a lot of goodbyes. You know, last hurrahs and final hugs. Goodbyes are hard though because you never know if a goodbye may be your last, or just a prolonged 'see you later'. It's hard because goodbyes for me mean having to admit that the big life decisions I make come with consequences -- that I'll miss family dinners and birthdays and parties and celebrations for another protracted period of time. Goodbyes are hard because we trust just a word and a hug will be able to convey our love and our sadness and our happiness and our missing-ness. And finally, they're hard because I have to remind people that while I'll be physically gone, I'm still able to communicate (daily, if wanted!) yet after I've said goodbye, most of my friends have already stopped texting me like they used to. 

Overall though, I guess I'm as ready as anyone could ever be. I'm excited for this new chapter. I'm looking forward to my new job, new friends/colleagues/roommates, a new place, a new routine. Not jumping up and down excited (I've been taking too many stress naps* for that), but thrilled nonetheless.

Yep, this is my "thrilled" face -- after 99 too many puffed cheese snacks. 

Today and tomorrow will be filled with finalizing some things: getting my stuff INTO their transportation devices (aka duffel bags), going to the bank one last time, setting up my loan repayments (yay to being an adult!), getting a final pedicure, and doing who-knows-what-else that needs to be done. 

And if all goes as planned, I'll have one more post before I take off!

xoxo, 

M

"You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place. Like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again." - Azar Nafisi

*PS: If you also stress nap, or know ways to stop stress napping, please share. It's become a newly formed habit and I don't like it at all!

Off the Grid: Lake Placid, NY

Hey World,

Since this is very much a travel/exploration blog, I'm going to start a new section today that hat-tips from an older post when I went #offthegrid for a week and realized that happiness can be determined based solely by what's outside your window.

Therefore, my first post from Off the Grid will be from this past weekend when my mom and I headed to Lake Placid, NY (in the Adirondacks) for three days of celebration, exploration and serenity. The weekend was a lot of fun, and a lot of great memories were made.

However the most beautiful moments in the Adirondacks were those when I was either floored by the absolute beauty of my natural surroundings and was just able to stand there for a second and soak it all in, or when I found a tiny way to connect with the natural world for an instant (except the bee that followed me for a half mile...I didn't like connecting with him).

It was forging a path to see the stream from a better vantage point; it was hugging a tree that successfully grew on a giant boulder; it was noticing that it wasn't the only tree in the forest that defied the odds of being rooted in rock; it was finding a stream of cold spring water and sipping from that rather than a purchased bottle of water; or admiring the way the sun filtered through the leaves. It was realizing that all of these photos can hardly do the region justice.

Isn't this just the most stunning photo in the world? 

Obviously I had to give it a hug!

But it was in all of the moments documented above that reminded me just how much I love being on a path unpaved -- how calming it is to slow down and soak in the world that exists around me, and how frustrated I was to live so far away from the stunning outdoors (sorry NYC, but Central Park just doesn't cut it).

And then I got excited because in a week, I'll be moving somewhere I can do just that. 

What's the next time you'll be off the grid? Where will you go?

xoxo,
M