Feeling Full and Empty: The Missing Piece

Hey World,

It's been a while. 

I never finished my posts on Malawi, and I stopped writing my "Dear World" posts every Sunday. I probably could have shared with you a million little thoughts about a number of things and some notable experiences, but I simply haven't.

Overall, things are going fine. Life is just plugging right along. 

 I love my work, and my co-workers. I love my boxing gloves and my access to both Pringles and cheddar cheese. I love the contact I have with friends and family back home, and the website "Project Free TV" that allows me to binge on all shows (good and bad). If you asked me if I was living the dream, I would be inclined to tell you a resounding yes.

So many good things are happening, I can't help but go to bed each night feeling fulfilled and grateful. And on top of that, Christmas vacation is less than six weeks away. 2015 is less than eight. 
Before the new year, I'll visit two new countries and check them off my bucket list. Could I really want anything more? 


I wish Gus wasn't dead

Our last picture together; less than 24 hours before. 

In fact, I think the foremost reason I have stayed away from blogging is that I'm still reeling from the loss of my Muffin Man. Losing him has seriously affected me, and it's affected my ability to share my life on this blog.

So without beating around the bush, here's the whole truth:

My beautiful Gus Muffin died 6 weeks ago. I was there; it was instant. There was nothing that could be done but wrap him in one of my favorite kangas, bury him outside my bedroom window, and lay on the cold tired floor gawping for air as I heaved out tears.

If you want to see me at my worst, I'll be cold, alone, and mourning the loss of a love that left me too soon. It doesn't happen often (thank goodness), but when it does, I am inconsolable.

Even though it has been six weeks, there are daily objects, reminders, and heart pangs that remind me that his love is no longer here with me {i carry it in my heart}.

 I miss his warmth, and his dependency.
I miss how his toenails alternated color based on the surrounding fur.
I miss those darn ears.


I miss our selfies, and our walks, and his impatience when I was stirring milk into his dinner bowl. 
I miss his neck snuggles and our reading time and his midnight whines to be pet back to sleep. 
I miss his funky little puppy smell, and the fact that he sat with his tail under his legs. 

But most of all, I miss the overwhelming sense of home he gave me.
I miss the sense of purpose he brought to my non-professional life.
I miss that he was the puzzle piece that made everything here feel right.

It's hard to put into words, but without those things, my life is now somehow both fulfilling and empty. There are so many things that I am proud of and excited about, and yet...it's all incomplete.

I hope my pangs of emotion reduce to a bearable throb.
 I hope seeing my mother in December centers me.
I hope time brings me balance.
I hope the New Year washes me with hope.

And ultimately, I hope I find another beautiful spirit to love with all of my heart sometime soon -- one that can hopefully endure the test of time.


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